Tuesday, November 01, 2011

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL BABIES BORN YESTERDAY

Dear Shithawks,

Congratulations! Not only have you arrived pissing and screaming on Planet Earth, wriggling around like peeled slugs in a bag of salt - you've just ramped up the global population to the 7 BILLION mark! Woo-hoo for you! I remember when I was forcibly farted out of the womb, all those years ago, so I do understand what you're going through. Seeing as my mum drank Guinness throughout her pregnancy, I nearly ripped the poor woman apart on my exit, scowling at the midwife, howling for a kebab and literally vomiting with relief at having escaped the dark ambient soundtrack wafting around her uterus.

Thing is, when I landed on this miserable rock, there were only 4.5 billion humans on Earth. I had everything staked out - I was gonna conquer America, penetrate the Bermuda Triange, play speed garage on the Great Wall of China! Even a youthful Howard Jones reckoned he could raise £500 for Help The Aged by shaking everybody in the world's hand and getting to know them better. Everyone could find a seat on the tube. There were 2.5 billion less people and, by dint, 2.5 billion less irritating tossers fouling up the air.

But now, we've got 2.5 billion bandwagon jumpers...joining the planet like they 'belong'...trying to cosy up to us, convince us they've got a 'right' to be here...and you're one of them. Don't think so, fuckface! Read up on some Malthus, you wrinkly, bald idiot, and don't DARE grizzle for a feed 'til you've checked out the figures.

Look, the thing is - this is OUR party. We were here first. We don't need you here. WE ARE THE WORLD. That's WE, not you. Where were you in 1985, when we were all cheering on Status Quo at Wembley, just to keep Mengistu in Courvoisier and SAMs? You're basically a late gatecrasher. Just fuck off to Mars, you stupid, mewling brat.

Love,

Everyone born before 1977.



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