Sunday, May 02, 2010


Firstly, 10 crap things about the internet:

1) That time you and your mate first went on IRC back in '97, pretending to be an 18-year old girl, and had scores of males bombarding you with lame jokes, naff chat-ups, demands for photo links, or - for those gents too busy to beat about the bush - raw anatomical data. Amazing how many folks with 11" wangers were on IRC 24/7 back then. Winding them up was amusing, especially when you later told them you were really an overweight 48-year old taxi driver called Barry, and they then hit the roof and told you they were going to kill your crappy little Amstrad with a virus...but only for the first two or three times. Thereafter, the whole ritual was just intensely depressing.

2) 'Comment is Free' commenters. Hey, I bet Bidisha feels a right twat after I pointed out that men sometimes get sexually harassed by female bosses too! Using the name 'kimphilby08'.

3) eBay. Sorry but, for all their faults, second-hand record shops were never as deathly dull as receiving vinyl through the post in cardboard stiffeners. Or having a German send you peeved emails because the Consumer Electronics box set you sold him didn't contain the original insert (which I never mentioned in the description because I didn't even know it existed). And you can't even sell 'ghosts in jars' or your skint graduate body on there anymore. Killjoys.

4) This

5) People who write "I'll revert shortly" in an email. To what, a FUCKING BABY?

6) Babelfish and other translation sites. Ten years after the popular circus of translation and of they lack means to make correct with of logic kunst grammatical being. 

7) The fact that psycho killers update their Facebook profiles with so sick of being lonely or watch out for the news tomorrow! before venturing out to spray a school or shopping centre with hot lead. Why can't they just scrawl inverted crosses in pigs' blood over the walls of their flats and leave a copy of Mein Kampf on the bedside table, like everyone else had to last millennium?

8) Comments box management systems that inform you, Oops, it looks like you've already said that! Please try again in five minutes. Hey, you fucking incompetent spazbot, if you'd done your job and just displayed my fucking comment right after I'd clicked 'post', I wouldn't be attempting to re-submit it now, would I? 'RoboCop?' RoboCunt, more like.

9) Nigerian scam emails sent by 'Jenny', which read "RE:                               " in the subject line. 10 out of 10 for laziness.

10) The fact that the only drugs you can buy online are viagra or mephedrone. Some ageing Dutch rave promoter out there must have a plastic sandwich bag stuffed with unsold superdoves from 1992. Put 'em online, for Pan's sake.

Still, cheer up! BTi is six years old this week. Or maybe it was last week...dunno, can't remember. There's still plenty of good things about the interweb, like me and you, for example. Oh, and this banger, which is, as of today, the best thing EVER uploaded onto the information superhighway. If you promise to play this at 3.45am, I will come and watch you DJ, straight up. Especially if you're DJing on a space station. In fact, if an alien beamed into your pad for a fortnight and was sitting around asking questions like I have observed Earthmen reporting to 'the lavatory' three or four times a this some sort of communications centre?...and then he/she/it glanced disapprovingly at a copy of NME and enquired, These sonic waves that humans call 'music'...I find this most bizarre! Earthlets losing control of their bodies on 'dancefloors'...can you provide an example of this phenomenon?, you should just slam this track on. If they ask another question after that, throw them out onto the street; the universe is fucked and barely worth exploring. 

Play loud! Bye and cheers from London. 

Hi Martin,
I would like to contact you by e-mail, but either I am not seeing where I can contact you directly or it just isn't possible.
Is there any e-mail, link or some network (like facebook) where I could contact you directly?
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