BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

KALI WOLFING DOWN VEGAN SPACE CAKE AT A ZINE SYMPOSIUM - have you come across THIS yet? Only the world's first ever Acid House record, produced by a Mr Charanjit Singh of Bombay, in 1983. In other words, India invented ACCIEEEEDD.

The pundits are being overly coy about this one; I guess they're scared the Aphex Twin's gonna step forward and claim the whole thing's an elaborate HOAX, potentially making them look FOOLS if they leap out of the trenches and sing Singh's praises. Well, fuck it, I will; as the philosopher Stuart Leslie Goddard once noted, ridicule is nothing to be scared of. Do you realise the significance of this re-release? Do you know what this MEANS?

Music history - everything we've been told - is BOLLOCKS.

Ha ha! This means that all those documentaries and books claiming that Phuture accidentally invented Acid House while they were fiddling around with a TB303 one rainy afternoon in 1987...all those bighead, superstar DJs slapping down Joe Punter with their painstakingly memorised Transmat catalogue numbers...all those people on forums, going "Munhh munnhh, you can't say Detroit, it was Kraftwerk, you know jack shit"...Genesis P-Orridge...they're ALL wrong! INDIA INVENTED ACID HOUSE, and that's all there is to it.

Oh Jesus, Mary and all the saints - slip me a packet of Superdoves and a time machine. I'm going back to 1994 with a copy of Ten Ragas To A Disco Beat. FIRST STOP: Ministry of Sound. Watch Sasha and Jeremy fucking Healy COWER and SQUIRM as I pull the plugs on their sets, warding off the bouncers with a butane gas torch, and plonk this LP on the decks. I'll teach you ignorant scuzzbags to throw me out. SECOND STOP: G*****, writing his shitty 'E fiction' and boring everyone's arse off with a potted history of club culture. Storm into his flat, wave the vinyl in his face and laugh, kick his manuscripts over the carpet and raise a disco biscuit to the greatest man who ever lived...the mighty CHARANJIT SINGH!!!

Anyway, I decided to download it off Mediafire. I wouldn't quite wet yourselves with glee - truth be told, it sounds as dated as Model 500, and I personally wouldn't wanna cough up the 20 sovs Boomkat's demanding. BUT...it's indisputably early ACID and definitely a joy to hear. Singh wins!

The big question now, obviously, is...what else don't we know about? Maybe Jungle originated in Thailand in 1988. Oi! - the voice of the disenfranchised East London proletariat, howling against the foul winds of Thatcherism? Don't be stupid...try the voice of Persian students in 1967!! What if the Blues actually started in Sligo in Ireland? And then Uruguay nicked it and developed it into rock 'n' roll?

With this one miraculous discovery, we can tear apart the entire history of music reportage and start again! All bets are off!

((Until somebody shuffles forward and blubbers, "Actually, I've had that album for years...was always into Singh, yep...started it all...I knew that...tried to tell 'em, but would they listen? Sheesh...should've kept the original artwork..."))

So don't EVER let these so-called 'experts' make you feel small, OK? Get it? Got it? Good.