BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

Not his best album. Check out "My Weapon", "Bunty Hunter", "Target Practice", "Out Pon Bail", "Don Bad Man", "Warning You Now" and "Hollow Point Bad Boy" instead

Ever seen Quadrophenia? It's the most rubbish 'youth cult' film ever, so ignore everyone who tells you it's seminal. In an ideal world, the film would comprise 80 minutes of bikers whipping mods with car aerials - sorry to say, this doesn't happen once. The only watchable bit is at the end, when you get to see STING looking more of a penis than usual, in his dinky bellboy outfit. But it's not worth sitting through the flick just for a 5-second laugh at the tantra-spurting plank.

Motorbikes are better than mopeds in every way, just as Monster Munch is better than Quavers, wigwams are better than caravans, Minder was better than The X Files, 'strip Pong' is better than furry handcuffs and chocolate body paint, Saturday's better than Monday and a pint on the house is better than a kick in the crotch. So let's celebrate the heroes of reggae who LIVED TO RIDE:

1) DILLINGER - "CB200"

Classic '70s ode to the classic '70s Honda model. I personally find it ironic that Dillinger sings Dread don't borrow on this tune, as my brother defaulted on the HP payments when he 'bought' his CB250, leaving my dad 'redder than red'. Alright, I know *technically* you CAN fit two dread onto a CB200, but it must be a right bastard on fuel economy. Especially if Jacob Miller's squatting on the back, like a sea lion balancing on a vacuum cleaner.

2) BIG YOUTH - "S90 SKANK"

Don't you ride like lightning / Cos man, if you ride like lightning you'll crash like thunder. Well, that's the official line on the DVLA website, anyway. But rasta, c'mon: lightning? The S90 only went up to about 60mph. Mind you, the first time I ever got on a motorbike ((a cousin's, in rural Ireland)), I cruised into a wire fence and wound up arse over tit in a mound of donkey shit, with a sore, bruised plonker to boot – and that rusting contraption couldn't have been capable of doing more than 45.

3) JAH STITCH / DR ALIMANTADO - "THE BARBER FEEL IT"

Do you think anyone'll remember the 1970s Rastas vs Barbers War in about 20 years' time? There was a tonne of records devoted to the subject, but who knows...I met someone in a pub, not so long ago, who didn't know the dates of WW2. This was a follow-up record to Dr Alimantado's I Killed The Barber ((a perfectly understandable sentiment if you've ever received a truly grotesque 'skinned rabbit' crop from some OAP - in a shop filled with black & white snaps of glum metrosexuals sporting 'FBI agent flat tops'*)), which came out on the same Ali Baba(geddit?) rhythm.

Anyways, this is a gloriously demented tune that I first heard on Andy Kershaw's show, back in the day. It's available on the '94 Blood & Fire comp If Deejay Was Your Trade, so over to reggae archivist and sleeve note scribbler Steve Barrow for the lowdown: Since on an earlier cut Tado had shot the barber, he celebrates the victory by riding around on a motorbike with Jah Stitch, laughing insanely at every barber shop, checking out the daughters and looking for a spliff. Bass, throttle and nutso cackling - what's not to like? Unless you're a barber or a baldhead, s'pose.

((* seriously: has any British male EVER walked past a barber shop, clocked one of those pouting '80s headshots in the window, and blurted out, Shit, THAT's what I call a barnet! 'Scuse me mate - can you do mine EXACTLY like that bloke in the photo's? Yeah...no, not the one with the moustache...this guy here...the COOL one. Barber shop models all look so bloody outraged. Each monochrome face shoots HOW DARE YOU vibes through the glass, as if you'd just sworn in front of his girlfriend (and made her laugh) at a party. Oh Jesus, can you imagine one of those gawks at a party? You'd crack some minor joke and they'd just fix you with the himbo death glare and drawl, "Excuse me, mate...my mum has curtains like those." I bet they'd also come out with lines like "But when you think about it... the bankers are victims in all of this too", the freaks...))

4) GENERAL TREES - "GHOST RIDER"

No, not a dancehall cover of the Suicide number, more's the pity, but pretty cool all the same. I'm not 100% sure what Trees is barking on about here, to be honest. Some maniac, who's got a bike that allegedly doubles up as a 'computer' and boasts puncture-proof tyres, drives around at night without his lights on - instant FAIL at the DVLA. He's crippled two men and killed three women, including Trees' sister. As you might expect, Trees goes after him, but refuses to kill his biker nemesis with a gun or knife, insisting on a fist-fight instead. EH? By Trees' own admission, the youth is pretty dangerous and his motorbike's a computer. Surely shooting him from a distance is the most sensible option?

5) SUPER CAT - "WHAT A RIDE"

When he wasn't shooting other DJs outside record stores, Super Cat knocked out dedications to Honda, GT and Kawasaki riders. In a classic DVLA "DON'T", Cat Whiskers burns the chalice before taking off on a high-speed spin with his mates. The polis give chase. Hilarity ensues. Super Cat does a wheelie, cos he's so 'skill', and...actually, I never liked Super Cat that much.

6) TANYA STEPHENS - "BIG NINJA BIKE"

It's good to hear female DJs who don't have to resort to slackness or a stream of lame innuendos to get their records heard. No lickle Honda 50 caan park ina me space Tanya reasons, reflecting on just how far we've come in terms of bike design over the last 35 years. A juss de big Ninja bike fi me ride pan / Na warn no small one / Way na have de right gear she continues, appreciating the fact that her Kawasaki's full-size body ensures a relatively comfortable ride - nothing worse than getting a stiff back and wrists. And there's some sage advice for 17-year old 'boy racer' show-offs, who blag themselves a Yamaha and think they rule the road: If a wan ting me caan stan / Is a boastful man / Way a tell gal how him full a stamina / An caan run a good furlong . Which you certainly can't with an S90.

7) Well...force-feed a swan LSD-soaked Weetabix! I can't think of any other reggae bike tunes right now. END OF POST.