BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

Hey, do you remember last year, when Rusko took the theme tune to the '80s Commodore 64 game Bionic Commando and whipped it into a dubstep choon? I hate to break it to the bloke, but he picked the wrong game entirely.

I know what you're thinking - he should have gone for Renegade, the game where the lucky player gets to control a gutbucket of pixels in a bandana, jerking around the mean streets of the Bronx and whacking seven shades out of multiple blocky Deadheads. But you'd be wrong on that score too. God, that game sucked, or at least my cassette version did. Every time I got past the 'first level' dust-up, paggering my hippy gang opponents into the storm drains, the screen would suddenly freeze and morph into a wall of programming code. Meaning I'd have to re-boot the whole console and spend another 20 minutes loading the game.

As for the 'music'...well, the Renegade theme started off OK - very 'brooding John Carpenter' style electronics - but then inexplicably dissolved into what I can only describe as, er, 'Elizabethan knees-up means Challenge Anneka'



On the other hand - if, like my mate Chris, you owned a ZX Spectrum, you had to make do with games like Psycho Pigs UXB. We actually used that title as a punk band moniker for about a week. This was a totally WTF? multi-player game where you commandeered a mob of swine hurling grenades at each other. I can't remember much more about it than that, except it had one of the most ludicrous advertising campaigns ever - featuring a cartoon of two kids gawping at a giant pic of a Page 3 Model, and one announcing, via speech bubble, "I'D RATHER BE PLAYING PSYCHO PIGS UXB!"

Clearly, the music's utterly unsuitable for dubstep producers...but manna from heaven for Lithuanian novelty DJs, come the inevitable EuroTrance-CowPoke revival.





Here's 'Wolf', years before he became a 'gladiator' ((upping the rate of UK Saturday evening suicides sevenfold)), posing with real-life Page 3 'stunna' Maria Whittaker (UPDATE - she's married to Rebel MC, apparently – small world...). Barbarian 2 was pants. I can't remember the music - I don't even want to look it up on BoobTube. Yet, in a weird way, I miss the days of Fabio and the Chippendales. You kind of knew where you stood with those cunts. I grudgingly respected them for going all out on an oiled limb of extremity, even though I was manning the skinny, spotty punk barricade at the time. It was the blokes caught in the middle - the ones with the flat tops and shellsuits, ski jackets and slip-on shoes, hairgel and white socks - that we punks'n'hunks mutually wanted to destroy.

Fabio's given me hours of amusement over the years. Did you know, he drinks liquidised cucumber? Water's not safe because it's packed with oestrogen, or summat. I wonder how much Maria W got paid for helping to flog this tedious, low budget, hack'n'slash fiasco to sexually frustrated 12-year old boys? At least Beki Bondage could sing a bit.

Nah...if you want a game worth sampling for a banging DUBSTEP track, check out Nemesis The Warlock. Rob Hubbard's dark, cavernous, melancholic Sino-Dubstep slow-burner is the one you DJs need to start remixing. Add a dose of lethal wobble and some beats, and the pigs'll be kicking down the doors at Plastic People before you can say "SYNTAX ERROR? TROUBLE AT LINE 5"