Monday, February 01, 2010

10 AMAZING, TRUE FACTS FOR FEBRUARY!

1) A staggering 97% of online forum combatants who begin rants with I'm working class... are actually...middle class! In fact, there's a foolproof way to discover somebody's real social class by asking them which game they prefer - Space Invaders or Tetris. Space Invaders is working class. Tetris is so middle class, it's literally staggering around in a bar in Moorgate in skinny jeans, trying to wipe out those years of piano-playing shame by feigning a Mile End accent.

2) The chief culinary fare of the sleepy town of Dunstable is the 'Bedfordshire Clanger' - a nauseating suet pudding, stuffed with decomposing meat at one end - and jam at the other. It was named after a resident of the town, who, in the 1800s, beat his family to death with the puke-inducing piece of stodge. He was boiled alive - and stewed into a commemorative 'Clanger' - as punishment.

3) Don't ever ask hippy wigwam sensation BAT FOR LASHES to be your accountant. This is simply because...the unclassifiable PJ Harvey rip-off can't add up to save her life!! In a 2008 interview with Vogue India, Lashes admitted: "I don't understand numbers at all! One plus one? Uhm...no, I can't do it. Is the answer...a billion?" When later asked if she could multiply 2 by 2, she confessed: "I don't actually know what 2 means! Does it come after 30? I know 30." When quizzed "WHAT IS HALF OF 30?", Lashes conceded defeat: "Ohhh-kaayyye... I don't really know 30 at all. I was 30 a few years ago, and saw it printed on my birthday card, though I wasn't sure whether it was a number or a word. Is the answer...30 and a half??"

4) Skrewdriver singer IAN STUART had a paralysing, obsessive fear of DALEKS. He was convinced that the Jews had perfected a 'Dalek army', secretly stored in the basement of Hendon Town Hall, which would be unleashed on the White Race on New Year's Eve, 1999. According to Stuart, the surrealist structure located outside the town hall - Itzhak Ofer's fairly rubbish sculpture, The Family of Man - also served as a 'location marker' for CYBERMEN - who would link up with the Daleks before jointly commencing an almighty anti-Aryan onslaught.

5) Among some of the more unusual global gifts to be found in North Korea's INTERNATIONAL FRIENDSHIP EXHIBITION HALL..!

* A rare Rinse FM recording, featuring Logan Sama having an argument with a pizza delivery boy

* The head of World Cup-discovering mutt PICKLES - preserved in embalming fluid

* 75 pristine 'Global Hypercolor' T-shirts (still in shrink-wrap)

* Pamela Colman Smith's original prototype DEATH tarot card - featuring a yellow smiley face (and "Sorry, fuck up! Proper skull on the next one - luv, Pixie xxx" scribbled on the back)

* Issue 1 of WOOFAH fanzine

* A Bauhaus chess set (two pawns and a knight missing)

* A chunk of moss from the Principality of Sealand

* A portrait of Class War co-founder Ian Bone - fashioned entirely from doner kebab meat and solidified Special Brew

* An acetate copy of Mariah Carey's outrageous, banned 2001 'rap album' ((which led to her being dumped by Virgin Records. SAMPLE -Rip the baby outta your muthafuckin womb / Boom fuckin boom! / Slam the fetus in a tomb / Like 9-11 comin up your ass / Jihad I preach and kufar fuckin planes crash / On the end of a fuckin 0.38 / Kids I castrate, fat bitches I mutilate / In the name of Satan, Lord, Rape-Master! / Bitch Slim-Faster? / Get the metal out and blast her / I'm over your shit like the Aberfan disaster / I'm the fuckin Omagh bomb / Killed more bitches than the Somme...)) ((NOTE - public decency forbids this blog from reproducing any more of the lyrics to Imperfect Angel (Bring Da Muthafucking Ruckus))

* An old TOM ROBINSON BAND tour poster (the late Kim Il-Sung's favourite band, reportedly)

6) "It's like a bloody viking tea party up there". That's NASA's damning verdict on the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - where, according to a leaked report, the years 2005-2010 witnessed:

* 13 astronauts and 8 cosmonauts injured as a result of fighting
* a research assistant pushed out of the airlock into space, following a 48-hour booze binge
*$200,000 worth of sensitive equipment DESTROYED, due to 'manhandling' and 'abuse'
* the onboard computer attacked by more than 200 viruses, caused by ISS personnel repeatedly visiting MP3-sharing, PORN and poker sites
* meals being consumed in 'zero-grav' conditions, resulting in heavy staining to the Space Station interiors
* ...and FAILURE to respond to communications from ground control - with hungover cosmonauts opting to 'sleep it off', instead of reporting back to Earth.

"They're supposed to be conducting vital scientific experiments on a daily basis - fuck knows what's going on in their heads," the NASA report concludes. "It's an utter disgrace. Maroon the bloody lot of 'em up there, if they want to act like spoilt children. I know trainees who'd give their right arms to work in space.".

7) Is it true that pigeons regularly ride the London Underground network on certain routes, routinely boarding and exiting at the same stations? The answer is a resounding...YES! We refer to these feathered passengers as 'commuter pigeons'.

8) TOM ROBINSON is in fact a notorious occultist. In a 2007 interview with Vogue India, he claimed that he ritually designed the chorus of his hit single 2-4-6-8 Motorway! to be chanted as a "magickal mantra", to help hitchhikers to summon a lift in bad weather. Unfortunately, Robinson is unable to test his hoodoo experiment for himself...the 50-year old singer suffers from motion sickness!

9) Some records that have fallen foul of the PMRC's crusade against indecency in pop and rock music:

* Moving On Up, M People: (Record cites: invoking [and becoming intoxicated on liquor with] Satan; forced homosexuality; 'infantilism' [sexual aberration]; assisting a prison escape attempt; personal pride in the face of God)

* True Love Never Dies, Flip & Fill :: (Record cites: lycanthropy; pre-marital sex; wilful public disturbance; the sin of 'presumption')

* Even After All, Finley Quaye: (Record cites: homicide; S&M [sexual aberration]; petty larceny; idolatry)

* Like A Feather, Nikka Costa: (Record cites: witchcraft; masturbation [sexual aberration]; anal sex [sexual aberration]; auto-erotic asphyxiation [sexual aberration]; Gnostic heresy)

* Brimful of Asha, Cornershop: (Record cites: idolatry; immodesty; repeated reference to firearms; female frontal nudity; civil disobedience; reference to prophylactics)

* Because We Want To, Billie: (Record cites: public disturbance; mob violence; drug consumption; communism; scrying; genocide)

10) Burning Spear vocalist JOSEPH HILL WINSTON RODNEY doesn't think much of pirates, Babylon or the system...or EAST LONDON, for that matter! After being ripped off by a Mile End taxi driver in 1974, who blatantly charged the dread £2 for a 90p fare, Hill Rodney recorded the mighty reggae hit Marcus Garvey, in which he concludes the second verse by snarling, "COCKNEY WAN-KERRR!" To keep the peace, apologists such as Paul Gilroy and David Katz have insisted that the lyric actually flows as Come on, little one.... But, for those of us with ears, the dig is clear!

Not that I give a fuck - I'm from North London anyway, and WE ARE NOT 'cockneys', OK?
Comments:
As a working-class person, I can assure you that Burning Spear is Winston Rodney, Joseph Hill is the bloke from Culture.
 
Uh...I'm...

It was...

(flounces off)
 
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