BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

Sex Pistols, wah wah, Crass, blah de fucking blah. The fluorescent blue 7" thumper issued by The Insecure Offenders cracks its granny-bashing, delinquent knuckles into the entire blogospheric preening contest that's Look, look at my rare vinyl, but don't expect me to share it with the plebs, cos then I won't feel like I'm mummy's little obscurist soldier. Pah! I spit on you all in my contempt. Released in 1969, on Rock Against Humanism Records, Rebellious Youth In The Welfare State b/w Kill The Mods and I Hate The Blind (no, not as in ignorant, 'straight society' conformists who can't see beyond their self-imposed, suburban battery pens - just physically blind people in general, particularly blind OAPs) is six minutes of stomach-pumpin', Honda-throttlin', blood-chuggin' biker-punk noise that rocks like a CND camper van that's just been bombed by a heavy breezeblock tossed from a motorway bridge. Only 25 copies in existence!

I've managed to track down Sweet FA information on the group, except that they used to play gigs wearing German WW2 helmets, with viking horns glued on, and they were banned from a 24-hour St Martin's College of Art 'happening' when a riot outside left six students nursing serious gouge-holes and bite marks (two later died of rabies). I hate the blind / And their labradors too / Kick away their sticks when they're standing in a queue / Blind old pensioners / Beat 'em black and blue / Dump 'em on a motorway, kill 'em with kung fu/ Blind war veterans / Beat 'em blue and black / Lead 'em to the platform edge and push 'em on the track. Utter filth. Obviously, I prefer the A-side: Rebellious youth in the welfare state / Take lots of acid and masturbate / Harry Roberts is our best mate / Cos poppin' coppers makes Britain great.



Mergus are probably better known for the "oceanic krautrock" LPs they put out in the early '70s - overblown affairs that, although technically well-produced, failed to really compete against the more popular, albeit equally snoozeworthy output by the likes of Faust and Amon Duul. However, the '78 disco explosion saw the group reinvent themselves, resulting in the Aquarium Atlas series of 7" EPs. I've only got Volume 4, but it's way ahead of its time - you can see where those turnip-heads Drexciya nicked all their ideas from.

Sometime in 1994, I was invited to DJ at Fishcoteque, a 'chippie-cum-shebeen' in Deptford. In scenes unparalleled since the glory nights of Wigan Casino, dozens of punters queued round the block, eagerly pushing their way past two battle-scarred Millwall bouncers, to revel in the heady aroma of poppers, sweat and batter. In the basement, buxom girls danced around their bags of deep-fried scampi, to the strains of Imagination's Just An Illusion, while gigolos in snorkel jackets lurked by the stairs, bottles of ketchup in hand, surveying their amply-stacked prey like a pack of hyenas with comb-overs. Good nights, those. I dropped this 7" on the deck and its quirky disco rhythms even managed to diffuse a fight between two slappers who'd been snorting tartare in the bogs.

But, ask most music critics, and you'll only get, No, the REAL Mergus stuff was between '71-'73, when they borrowed Damo Suzuki's... WANK, WANK, WANK, WANK. Oh, give it a fucking rest. Nobody thinks you're cool. Nobody cares about your obscurities, or if Mark Stewart talked to you in a lift. In fact, fuck Mark Stewart and fuck you. You know everything there is to know about records, except how to enjoy them.



Oh Jesus... this is why you should NEVER listen to 'popists', the twats. Yeah, OK - I was suckered into checking out the Glitter Girls. 2000 was so pants for new music, I allowed myself to be subsumed by the whole underage electroclash jive that every 40-year old, snivelling 'critic' was gushing over. Oh, Collette G does smack! She overdosed during a PE lesson! Andrea Corr described the whole Glitter Girls concept as "repulsively obscene" and people complained about the promo posters on the tube! Well, how post-ironically shocking! - obviously COULDN'T have been a shitload of hype to distract everyone from the fact that this was 5th rate Euro-Rave with a really bad, nasally 'rap' thrown into the sorry mix. I actually paid £30 for this 7" too ((it's the swirly 'candy stick' vinyl version)). Now? Couldn't flog it for tuppence. Worst purchase of my life. Even worse than the CD by Wolf Eyes ((thanks a fucking lot, all the bloggers who hyped it)).

Anyway, that's enough 7"s. It's a new decade and I wanna write about other stuff. Starting with...