Tuesday, January 12, 2010


1) Although believed to be 'extinct' in London since 1980, approximately 8 to 10 unicorns currently roam the Vauxhall area.

2) A trapdoor, located in the bowels of the Vauxhall Viaduct (currently occupied by the club 'Fire'), opens up to a secret passageway leading directly to Hydrabad. Victorians used the passage to smuggle tea, samosas, MDMA and tigers into Britain.

3) The ghost of scragged pirate WILLIAM KIDD still haunts Wapping. The spectre is notorious for violently pushing unwary travellers down the Wapping steps, towards a watery grave. Those who survive the phantom's attacks are said to be blessed with the luck of the Devil, and destined for abundant fortunes.

4) The Swiss Citizenship Test includes a section on FLYING CARPETS. Although this mode of transport became deeply unfashionable in the early 1990s, applicants for Swiss naturalisation must demonstrate adequate knowledge of safe carpet piloting.

5) Billy Idol was so obsessed with the 'Cinderella' fairy story, he would take a pair of thigh-high leather boots with him whenever he went on tour. Only groupies who managed to fit the boots were permitted access to his hotel boudoir.

6) The first Sex Pistols session, recorded by Chris Spedding, was funded with Iranian drug money.

7) Hans Christian Andersen had a 3-year on/off sado-masochistic relationship with a 13-year old prostitute called Hilma. Apparently, Andersen would pay her 200 Kroners to dress as a goose and whip his nether regions, whilst honking nursery rhymes through her wooden 'beak'.

8) The crossroads that quarters the Bedfordshire town of Dunstable serves as a runway for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

9) Every time a London tube train hits a 'bump' in the track, it has just run over a dead body. Most of the corpses dumped on the Underground network are the victims of gangland slayings.

10) '90s chanteuse GABRIELLE lost her eye after being pushed into the Thames by Captain Kidd's ghost, outside a pub in Wapping. Shortly afterwards, her hit single Dreams landed her an abundant fortune. Although her record company offered her a realistic, replacement 'robot eye', she prefers to wear an eyepatch as a momento of her brush with death.

11) The only person to be injured in the 1993 Phoenix Festival 'Riot' was concussed by a projectile loaf of stale Sunblest.

12) Sir Clive Sinclair is one of the few British celebrities to have 'come out' about his lycanthropy, alongside darts player Martin 'Wolfie' Adams and the chick who used to sing in Echobelly. Sinclair, who invented the ZX Spectrum, contracted the disease during his time at Solatron, when he was savaged by a werewolf in a car park, after leaving the office late at night. He has frequently appealed for more A-List lycanthropes to come forward, to raise awareness of this hideous affliction.

13) The 2004 Saatchi fire was actually started by disgruntled former Cult crooner IAN ASTBURY. Astbury claimed that TRACEY EMIN's Everyone I Have Ever Slept With 'tent' was one of his prized teepees, which had been stolen from a backstage party 10 years before. After reaching deadlock in a tense and costly custody battle, Astbury decided to torch the Saatchi lock-up, in a fit of desperation.

14) The last man to be hung in Luton was Reg Haynes. The pensioner was sentenced to death in 1926, after shooting an endangered magenta unicorn. On the scaffold, Haynes allegedly scoffed, "I'm a bitter old bastard, I couldn't give a monkey's about unicorns, I enjoyed plugging the soppy wee beast!" The enraged townsfolk pelted his cadaver with bottles - accidentally taking out the hangman's right eye.

15) According to his diary, Captain Kidd claimed to have been given a blow job by a MERMAID. Apparently, the sea-creature bequeathed a coral cock-ring to the pirate, as a momento of this oral encounter - which he later lost, when his ship was capsized by a colossal squid. However, this boastful account is an unlikely tale. Mermaids only engage in intercourse with mermen, as humans are "too cruel".

16) Hans Christian Andersen actually committed suicide in 1875, after discovering that copies of the penny dreadful epic Varney The Vampire, Or The Feast Of Blood were out-selling The Little Mermaid by 6 copies to 1 across Europe. The rumour that the Danish author had died after 'falling out of bed' was started by Bram Stoker, as a joke.

17) The "CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE MUTILATES MERMAIDS" campaign began during the Cod War, when mermaids' rights activists discovered Birdseye Foods was illegally netting mermaids in the Irish Sea, to produce the fillings for 'Fish Fingers'. This is just one of 1,000 reasons why mermaids hate humans and take great pleasure in luring lonely sailors to their deaths on jagged rocks.

18) JOHNNY THUNDERS was the only guitarist to ever master a MERMAID'S HARP, which he played at a gig at the Bowery in 1990. However, this incredibly difficult-to-learn instrument carries a deadly hex for humans - as Thunders discovered to his cost, a year later.

19) Garry Bushell is a practising Muslim. He converted to Islam in 1991. He has publicly stated that his "gags" and casual sideswipes at minorities are intended as parodies of "kafir bigotry", and not meant to be taken seriously. In his autobiography, he claims that the defunct UK music weekly SOUNDS was funded with Iranian drug money.

20) Sculptor and artist Anthony Gormley is involved in a bitter legal dispute with Ian Astbury, who claims that 'The Angel of the North' is in fact one of his totem poles, which was stolen from a Cult after-show party in LA in 1989.
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