BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

OK, time for a quick breather from 7"s. Have a cup of tea before we flip for the next seven instalments. Or take some drugs - whatever turns you on. I don't know if you've been keeping up with the fanzine gossip, but there's been a fair amount of argy bargy occurring over at Woofah Towers recently. Firstly, one of the staff writers, Admiral Banton, was given the boot for thieving sellotape and stamps. Then, another hack, George Davis (referred to the zine by some youth training scheme) fled in tears after being subjected to Paul Meme's sarcasm. For godknowswot reason, I got the blame for both incidents and had my rate cut to 1p per 1,000 words.

Anyway, some time after Xmas, I made my way to Woofah HQ in Stoke Newington for the contents planning meeting - only to find John Eden painting his new fence. He beamed and waved at me. Wow - I'd actually caught him in a good mood! Maybe he'd give me something nice to review, I briefly pondered. Like that All-Japan Reggae Dancers DVD - at last!

"Nice to see you!" he grinned. "Have you come to help me with the creosote?"

"Er..." I gawped, "I'm here for the Woofah 4 contents meeting. What do you want me to review this time round?"

He threw his head back and cackled, waving his paintbrush in my face. "Well...looks like you've had a wasted journey!" he chortled. "There's no contents meeting here - Woofah HQ's relocated! Oh!" he sniggered, "Did I forget to send you the text?"

"Great!" I enthused. "Does this mean we actually get a decent office? Somewhere in the shadow of IPC Tower, perhaps, so we can extend our music hack careers?"

Eden threw down his paintpot and snarled: "The only thing you'll be extending is your air miles! The new office is in Dublin! Droid's just bought the mag - so get over there and help keep it together, blast you! I've booked you a flight on Ryanair - it leaves from Luton at 10.50 tonight - don't DARE miss it!"

Anyway, I can finally provide readers with an exclusive shot of the new Woofah office. It's a bit of a step-up from the last joint, but only just:



L-R: Droid, Doppelganger, Paul Meme, Melissa Bradshaw, Gabriel Heatwave, Matt Woebot, Matt B, Paul STN. Some bird who laid out a few pages in the window. I was inside at the time, writing something about Jammer

Things weren't helped by the fact there was nothing to eat all week except baked beans (which Droid charged us 5 Euros for), nor that the portable gas stove hadn't worked since 1989. As for catching a decent night's kip, it was pretty difficult with Droid riding around on a tractor at 4am, blaring out Dead Dred from a 100W speaker. Lesser journalists would have cracked under the pressure and lack of hot water - we just wrapped our sleeping bags round ourselves and got on with it.

Anyway, latest on Issue 4 - it's close to being published like you wouldn't believe, and the cover's been signed off...though nobody on the team's allowed me to see it. Typical! Seriously, I'm not keeping you in suspense, I really don't know who's on it. Maybe it's the All-Japan Reggae Dancers? You'll just have to keep googling 'Woofah' to find out, 'til it hits the streets.