BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

owen flypip's nominated me to partake in this 'dogmeme' fiasco. i had a right nasty post on the boil, but it'll have to wait while i do this. ok, so i'm not allowed capital letters, ultraviolence or jokes. thankfully he didn't set me any parameters on swearing, so i'd like to quickly say that i thought 'dogme' cinema was a load of fucking wank. admittedly, i've only seen one of the dogme films - "festen" - a dull, rambling flick that went on for way too long, was painful on the eyes and in which nothing really happened. i got the impression that lars von trier ((the danish tart responsible for this cinematic abomination)) had just come up with the 'dogme' concept cos he couldn't have made a decent flick if someone had thrown a billion kroners his way ((no joke)). then again, i haven't seen any of his non-dogme films, so maybe i'm wallowing in the m.o.t pit of ignorance. but, i once heard an elpee by sleep chamber and while it might have been a duff 'one off' i've got as much as interest in checking out their other 8,000 elpees as i have in mangling my...actually, that might count as ultra-violence.

but anyway, god bless megaupload, rapidshare and mediafire. i've managed to exploit loads of filesharing sites to rediscover tunes i had on vinyl or tape but lost over the years, either due to frantically taping exciting pirate radio sessions over the top, leaving them under the sink in various multiple flat moves or hauling them down to m&ve during bouts of penury. never mind soulseek with its mp3 queues and a multitude of pathetic cunts banning you, just cos you haven't got a zillion rare albums for them to guzzle down. just click a link and, 5 minutes later, the album's on your desktop.

so it's been a nostalgic freakout the past month or so, having rediscovered "atomizer" by big black (("kerosene" is currently my 'most played' track on 'itunes' - yes, you fucking gossoons, i'm up with the technology these days! - and it still sounds as incredible as it did when john peel used to thrash the nuts off it, 20 years ago)), "on yer toez" by blaggers ita ((i must have on been some super-strength brew the day i taped over this classic - blaggers made you feel you could take on a phalanx of boneheads, armed with a plastic fork [you, not them])), "gangster chronicle" by london posse ((the spiritual cousin of "on yer toez")), "di go pop" by disco inferno ((fucking awesome - hyped by nme for a couple of months in the early 90s and promptly disappeared, but if the label said 'produced by connie plank (c) 1982' i know plenty of chin rubbers who'd be going apeshit over this))...

... "united blood" by agnostic front (( never owned this rarity but thanks to dave the skinhead for introducing me to this ep when we were both working in the medical records section in kings hospital, camberwell - this library of psychosis and physical decay was situated in a bunker opposite the main building, and agnostic front sounded pretty awesome ricocheting around the dimly lit, damp brickwork and metal shelves packed with case notes. we were meant to be filing these tomes alphabetically, but spent most of our days sitting around, playing tapes on dave's ghetto blaster, and looking at pics of people with ruptured hernias and faces crushed by taxi wheels, and reading about schizophrenics trapped in the maudsley wing attacking nurses, cos they were convinced their captors were evil dog spirits who wouldn't take their claims to have discovered a cure for aids and to have perfected a national programme to resist papal mind control seriously [no joke]. there was even one bloke who repeatedly went to a&e after eating, as he sweated buckets and had serious heart palpitations and chest pains for hours after his evening nosh. turned out, after the quacks interviewed his wife, he was tearing through several fry-ups every night after work. dave once found notes for 'garry bushell' but forgot where he stacked the file - i spent all afternoon rooting through files in a pointless attempt to find it [suffice to say, it wasn't under 'b' or 'g']. we used to eat in the hospital staff's cantine for free, surrounded by surgeons, still in their blue headgear [no joke]. either that, or 'the treatment' used to come down from millwall every day to sample the delicious pasta bake - but we're straying close to 'ultraviolence' again...)), "illegal rave" by various ((ardkore, you know the score!))...oh, and, er, "split" by lush, but enough about that. anyway, i'd recommend all the above, except lush, obviously, and agnostic front probably, unless new york skinheads with dubious political views ripping through 30-second hyperspeed rants is your bag...anyway, if you give a flying, just google around for them, it's all free...

met a load of psychotic teenage hairdressers at a wedding reception in luton recently. what i'm about to tell you is pure filth but incredibly socialist, in a weird way. this mouthy one with borstal tats, who looked like one of the cheeky girls, came outside, dripping razorwire attitude, and tried to crash a fag off me, and came up with probably the best opener ever uttered by anyone, ever: "w..

{update - infinite thought blog madame, dr pig - the lindsey german of the blogosphere - has now decided that she wishes to 'cancel' all manifestations of her monstrous offspring, the 'dogmeme'. this is typical with communists - they pass a motion, then, 10 minutes later, announce that it's a 'deformed concept'. so this post will have to grind to a sorry halt. i'm supposed to pass this curse onto 5 others - but does my sadism really stretch that far? does anyone really wanna read a post by john eden that's not about reggae, john balance ((or is it jhonn balance?)) ((maybe it's gone balance)) ((((not a joke)))) or what somme-style campsite he's dragged his long-suffering family to this weekend? "oh boy, what a wonderful city!" the insufferable posters on the tube keep reminding us. yeah, with a walking open sewer for a mayor, lines of mobile phone brothels bleeding into coffee-poisoning bistros, a new 'olympics tax' that should be (not-ultraviolently) rammed up seb coe's ulcerated backside, people pulling the emergency cord if you have a sneaky sip of stella on the last tube home, insults to architecture cropping up left, right and centre and any decent nights out being shut down by the cops or priced out of the market. my kind of town, alright.]