BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

IF you’re feeling depressed, under the weather or poorly, you might want to skip the Omega 3 capsules and Thai head massage, and instead head for the April 6th London (UK) demo against the carrying of the Olympic Flame - with a cache of bottles and bricks.

That’s the staggering claim made by Dr Morton Cairnway, a healthcare specialist based in London (Canada). "Rioting is a perfectly legitimate form of self-therapy and, unlike most of these so-called ’treatments’ on the market, it’s completely free," Cairnway comments.

The doctor continues: "Rioters run around a lot, which can only be a good thing - they get to burn calories while they’re burning cars, as well as boosting their serotonin levels. From a psychological point of view, it’s also a great opportunity to interact with others. We’re social beasts, ultimately. Let’s face it, everyone wants to look good and have nice things, so looting shops is an excellent means of increasing self-confidence and satisfaction - and also involves beneficial cardiovascular exercise."

"YOU’VE GOT TRUNCHEONS, DIE BY THE BRICK"

Dr Cairnway has previously studied the effects of rioting on UK-based patients, and believes that the results speak for themselves. "I surveyed 20 people, ranging from teenagers to 50-year olds, who participated in the anti-Criminal Justice Act riot in Hyde Park in 1994," the physician reveals.

"A week after the event, I noted massive improvements in their concentration levels, feelings of self-esteem and their abilities to cope with stress. They genuinely seemed more contented and, when quizzed on the topic, all admitted that they’d very much like to partake in more riots in the future.

"HARRY ROBERTS IS OUR FRIEND"

Cairnway also believes that rioting may lead to increased libido and fertility. However, he has been slammed by Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair, who described the doctor’s findings as "highly irresponsible" and "an incitement to thuggery and mindless violence."

The Canuck quack counters: "Sure, I have my critics, but I believe they’re full of shit. I’ve seen the positive health benefits of rioting on numerous occasions, and no mealy-mouthed argument from some overpaid department of health minister will convince me otherwise. Perhaps rioting should be added to the roster of Olympic sports.

"Ian Blair probably thinks it’s ’responsible’ to run around shooting Irishmen when they come out of the pub or Brazilians who use the tube. He doesn’t like rioting because the police seem so bad at it these days - it’s a defeatist attitude, which probably sums up his poor state of mental health."

(Reuters)