BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

ABOVE: A rare reproduction of some sine waves pulled from the new(ish) XYLITOL album "Error Bursts in Transmission" (Pierogii Disc, 2007) - note how the electronic DNA polymerase differs significantly from contaminated 'electroclash' batches. Unfortunately, some hack writing in 'The Wire' completely missed this point, instead opting to do a bad PE teacher impersonation, complaining, "...one feels it's time [Xylitol] got down to some serious work". This idiot should have BREVITY IS A VIRTUE chalked across his back, and be horsewhipped through the streets of Soho. Thankfully, there's not a massive amount of musical progression since "Functionary", as if you've got a winning formula, why piss it down the sink and end up as another dull Ghostbox clone? However, bizarrely enough, it does sound radically different from the first one - oh, just buy it. If you'd all bought "Functionary" when I'd advised you to, instead of wasting your cash on that M.I.A shit ((I swear on THATCHER'S LIFE, I NEVER said she was any good)), maybe today you'd be healthier, wealthier and wiser - instead of praying for Iran to hurry up and knock out those nukes.

APOLOGIES to everyone who logged on yesterday for the lecture on bringing the dead back to life through the art of magic. Unfortunately, this post had to be removed as someone found it 'objectionable' - even though it was barely half-written when they submitted their complaint to Blogger.com. Still, if you want to find out more about this fascinating subject, there's a wealth of tomes at your disposal - just pop down your local library and flick through Raising the Dead, for Fun and Profit, Necromancy: The Living Tradition, A Chat With The Dead In Ancient Chaldea, JuJu For Beginners and Walkin' the Corpse: The Brian Moore Story.

Mind you, it's not as if the families of the dead would thank you anyway. Have you ever seen a JuJu zombie? They're hardly what you'd call 'lively'. Yeah, yeah, it's the same old story and it always ends in tears. Your biker girlfriend throws a seven when her Suzuki glides underneath an HGV. So you pay some necromantical shyster £10,000 to bring her back to life. That poor cow could have dozed the eternal slumber in her box, but no, YOU were feeling lonesome so you decided to deploy some hoodoo to whisk her back outta the spirit world. And now what? Is she back as you remember her? NO, she's shuffling around at a mile an hour, dead eyes locked in a vacant glare. You wave your hand around in front of her face, but there's no response! You're sitting at work when suddenly your colleagues scream - she's standing outside, her face pressed against the glass, staring in like some evil albino fish! Her parents come round to visit their darling daughter - all they get is a hollow shell, a specimen of the LIVING DEAD. They weep and fall to the kitchen floor, Who did this to our daughter? What's that, you say? You had her RE-ANIMATED by a witchdoctor? Damn you! Damn you and your JuJu claptrap! That's not our daughter, that's a cadaver, not dead but undead! And so, instead of regaining your girlfriend, you've merely polluted the planet with yet another drooling ghoul, condemned to aimlessly roam the Earth and man the decks at FWD...

Oh, shut up, don't get tetchy - it's just a joke. Anyway, fuck all that. Today we'll be conducting an interactive online experiment, in order to test your remote viewing skills. Remote viewing is, according to Wikipedia, "...the purported ability of a person to gather information on a remote target that is hidden from the physical perception of the viewer and typically separated from the viewer at some distance, ie - a form of extra-sensory perception". The only time I ever took part in an ESP test I scored zero out of 15, but there's no reason why you can't have a go - after all, you could land a lucrative job with the police if you manage to pull this off! Imagine how much you'd get paid to accompany an armed Met S03 team , driving around town looking for terrorists. All you'd have to do would be to furrow your brow, clasp your mits over your eyes and scan 'em out...."Hang on, yes...I'm getting an image...Lansdown Road, Forest Gate...number 46...no, hang on, number 48....four of 'em, all fundamentalists, and...shit, they've got a chemical bomb n' all!" Information like that's worth its weight in flour.

OK, we're ready to begin your test. Stop scratching yourself and concentrate on your monitor. Let your muscles relax but sharpen your mind. I am providing a target location. Concentrate and focus. Describe the location to yourself. Observe and note everything in the location. Build the picture in your mind, let it grow to envelop you. Note any sounds you hear, any colours you can make out, any activities taking place, down to the most minute detail. Focus....

Right, do that for 5 minutes and then relax. The details of the location are at the end of this post. Anyway, in the mean time...

HOW TO GET RID OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

The Ridgeway in Mill Hill, London, NW7, is a haunting walk. This stretch begins just slightly east of Mill Hill East tube station. At the foot of the Ridgeway is the Joiners Arms, a pub which was sporadically blown up by the IRA throughout the 1970s and 1980s. This is because it was the local watering hole for soldiers posted at Inglis Barracks, also on the Ridgeway ((and also car-bombed a few times)). Then carry on up, up, until you see it, gleaming through a small thicket - WATCHTOWER HOUSE. This is where all the London-based Jehovah's Witnesses receive their training, before they're sent out on the streets to warn the "bird seed" (that's you and me) of impending apocalypse. We'll end up being pecked to death by giant crows, or something.

Many people think that when the JWs come a-knockin', they can scare them off by coming back at 'em with a bit of reasoned debate. Wrong! Watchtower House don't permit such quaint, absurd constructs as "reason" to piss on their parade, and the JWs will resist anything you care to say. YES, "we" know it's patently lunatic to sing hymns and clap as our 12-year old daughters scream in agony in isolation wards because international blood-banking is run by THE DEVIL, and so life-saving transfusions are off the menu. YES, "we" know that if the Russians had followed the JWs' pacifist programme to the letter, and rolled around in the snow like helpless eels as the Germans rifle-butted their skulls to powder, then Hitler would probably have won WW2.

But try telling them that...anyway, there's only one way to deter JWs and stop them pestering you, and it was a teenager called Steven Daly who set me right on this score back in 1990. The best way to make them fuck off is to bury your face in slap-up, shove on a wig and some womens' clothing, slam The Birthday Party on the stereo and open the door, cigarette dangling from mouth. Trust me, it's that simple. JWs can't handle the thought of cross-dressers, it's a bit like Queen Victoria and lesbians or Ahmadinejad and gay men, they don't think they really exist. So when they're confronted with one, looking like the bastard spawn of Bet Lynch and Jane County, their well-honed 'persistence' goes out the window and they end up fleeing in terror, their leaflets scattered to the four winds.

HOW TO TELL IF AN APPARITION OF THE VIRGIN MARY IS REALLY HER, OR THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE

Look at her feet. If she's got cloven hooves then it's really The Devil, taking the piss.

How are you doing on the remote viewing exercise? Have you worked out the location yet? OK, stop thinking, it's time to assess your results. Do you have "the gift"? See how much of the following corresponds with your own remotely gathered information, and calculate just how much of an asset you might be to Interpol:

THE LOCATION: University of Greenland (Ilisimatusarfik), Main Hall

TARGET(S): Karlheinz Stockhausen, delivering a speech to 40 students

CONTENTS OF SPEECH: How communities overly dependent on the Internet are more likely to suffer obesity / depression epidemics on a long term basis

LAYOUT: Wooden chairs fanned to left and right of speaker's podium

TEMPERATURE: Brisk

CLIMATIC CONDITIONS: Windy, slight rain

OTHER SOUNDS: Calypso tapes emanating from strange shop down the street

Well, that should give you a rough indication of your remote viewing ability. Award yourself 5 points for each factor you correctly identified. If you scored 10 or less, forget it, you're crap. A child could have guessed your answers. If you scored 20 or 25, hmm, there might be something in it. Try and get an interview with MI6 and take it from there. If you scored 35, congratulations - you've got the gift! Now put your talents to good use and go and meddle in everyone else's affairs.