Monday, March 26, 2007


This interview was conducted with two 18-year old girls, Fern (F) and Ella (E), in the White Hart public house in Whitechapel. For the purposes of this interview, Beyond the Implode (BTI) comprised myself and Admiral Banton. A fifth party - a dishevelled, morbidly obese slug called Jack (who for unfathomable reasons spoke in a cockney taxi driver accent despite having been educated at the same private school as Fern) - was also in attendance, but his contributions amounted to very little and have subsequently been omitted from the following transcript.

BTI: What are your credentials as posh girls?

F: I attend a fee-paying school near Brighton called St Bedes, I'm just up in London for the day as my parents have bought a new house here. They're psychologists. I was boarding until my parents bought me my own house, which has a great garden - nearly 2 acres. I think parents should send their children to private school, especially those in London - get out of the city, and definitely get a garden. Having said that, I hate private school, it's awful. They teach you to judge people, everyone's lower than you. I have no idea what it's like to go to a comp. We're just finishing our A-Levels.

E: I've just had my head shaved for Cancer Relief. Do you think I look like a lesbian?

BTI: No.

F: I was bisexual when I was 16, but not anymore.

BTI: Who wasn't? What are your aims, career-wise?

E: I'm studying English, Politics, RS and Ceramics, I want to be a diplomat in a foreign country. I'm also going to patent white seat belts, so people don't get burned when they put them on in summer, because the black ones absorb more heat, don't they? I'm also going to launch a range of T-shirts, they'll have slogans on them, like 'What's the plan, Stan?'

F: I'm going to be a director - films and theatre. I'm also going to start my own magazine focusing on these topics. I went for an interview at St Martin's but they actually told me I was "too posh and bossy"! Don't you think that's deplorable? I'll find somewhere better.

BTI: What kind of things do posh girls get up to?

E: I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.

F: I once poured a boat of gravy over a guy's jacket. I was working in a pub, and he said "Excuse me, this beef is too cold". So I tipped the gravy all over him. I hated pub work, I'll never do it again. The pub manager used to slag off all the customers to us and then slag us off to the customers. I'm also going to Uganda, to help them build houses.

BTI: Oh, we know someone who went there to visit an AIDS clinic.

F: AIDS? (horrified pause)

BTI: Well yes, there's a lot of it over there.

F: Oh God. It was bad enough having my first round of jabs, I just cried. The nurse told me I was more of a crybaby than her three-year old daughter. What else do you know about Uganda?

BTI: Well, there's the Lord's Resistance Army, who are pretty brutal, though they're mostly concentrated in the far North.

F: I've never heard of them - you must be making them up!

BTI: Seriously, Google them tomorrow. Also, you have to watch out for those AIDS Mosquitoes, one zap and that's it.

F: Oh God

BTI: No, we just made that one up

F: I'm going to wear socks on my arms and legs to protect myself from mosquitoes.

BTI: Why not use a mosquito net like everyone else?

F: I never thought of that. Anyway, I'll be safe, my dad's hired an armed guard to look after me while I'm out there. But I don't want to touch any of the people. I wear rubber gloves on the bus, even in London.

BTI: What if you're halfway through building a house and a Ugandan co-worker collapses and cuts his arm, and you have to pull him to safety?

F: I wouldn't touch him.
F: I'm going to whittle a knife when I'm out there. I took my trousers up today.

BTI: You took your trousers off today??

F: No, I took them UP (shows off leg). Look. I'm going to be a clothes designer.

At this point the interview terminated, as 'BTI' made our way to the Rhythm Factory. Unfortunately, Ruff Sqwad refused to come on stage until the venue had ordered them a Domino's pizza, a process that took longer than our collective patience could bear, so we missed them. We would have brought the posh girls along, but we reckoned we'd just have ended up paying for their drinks all night (and no doubt buying several Domino's pizzas for Jack)
I wish I'd taken photos of them now. Nobody will believe this, will they?
Precisely - I know I'm prone to exaggeration, but if anything I've underplayed this one.

Incidentally, cynics might trot out the 'boy who cried wolf' line, but the way I see it - the villagers were to blame. If they were too lazy to implement a proper defence system against marauding wolves, preferring to exploit a child to do a policeman's work, they deserved to lose their sheep.

Still, I expect you're planning Ruby's school transfer as we speak...
"Admiral Banton" :)


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