Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Gilles de Rais - legendary sadist and mass slayer. According to his unspeakable confessions, he used to disembowel kids and sit inside their stomachs, bathing in their still warm entrails.

I don't want to come across all Tom of Finland, but has anyone actually considered the fucking physical dimensions before accepting this Frenchman's brags? Sitting in a child's stomach indeed! Go on, you work it out - take a child and imagine crawling into his or her guts. Impossible! You'll be telling me a rich man's camel went to Heaven through the eye of a needle next.

I can promise you one thing - if Gilles de Rais had come to Burnt Oak in 1983 and tried to abduct any of us, he'd have hit the pavement in a flurry of Dunlop Green Flash, rueing the day he ever borrowed a time machine off that other literary bore HG Wells.

(Originally commissioned by the LRB, still to be published)
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