BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

I've learnt a lot as a result of painting my flat white. Firstly, don't get smart and try to protect your boots by sticking a pair of plastic Tesco bags over them, as you'll slip and fall off the stepladder, and bust the same hand you previously fucked up by falling off the stage in a Russian club (taking a windowpane with you for good measure).

Secondly, learn to drive and buy a car. Getting a massive tub of emulsion and a stepladder from Tottenham Hale to Finsbury Park via tube is 'interesting'. (Having said that, if I'd known you could scatter whole clusters of passengers from your path by simply swinging a steel ladder around, I'd have started carrying one around with me years ago).

Thirdly, make sure you go out afterwards splattered in paint, funnily enough peoples' attitudes towards you totally change - I don't know why, but every shopkeeper suddenly became chatty, big shaved-skull blokes kept calling me "mate" and a barmaid even brought a stool over to me, from across the bar, when she clocked me standing at a table where everyone else was seated. Why this is, I don't know - but I look forward to unravelling further the secrets of the HANDYMAN.

Fourthly, pay some other cunt to do it, it's a pain in the fucking balls.