Monday, June 26, 2006


Right, I'm back. Miss me then? Bloody liars. Christ on a Kawasaki Ninja, I'm knackered - think I'll need another month off blogging to recuperate. Anyway, updates - the World Cup was incredible, better than any gig or event I've been to, full truth and possibly lurid pics soon. Russia, hmm, well unfortunately events (including vodka-induced physical injuries) have made that one a bit of a pisser to scrawl about, so I won't. Suffice to say, I did get a Russian hat and a Soviet hipflask out of it, though the whole thing culminated in me and this chick ripping a hotel room in Victoria to pieces, a week after we got back (which, poignantly I guess, constituted the final let's go fucking mental moment of my 20s). That's what Russia does to you, turns you into a beast.

Meanwhile, Ian Gardner from the CUNT band Beyond the CUNT Implode has been CUNT kicking up a stink because of the last post. Now, far be it from me to antagonise this humourless OAP any further, but I doubt there's a jury in the land that'd convict me for suggesting that Beyond the Implode's music is the kind of poorly produced, miserable muck that a demented paedophile living with his grandmother would listen to on a wet Wednesday afternoon. Regardless, I haven't seen Sam Fox acting like a whining spastic cos I once called her a bible-bashing class traitor, and I didn't even use her name in homage! If she can restrain herself, so can you, Gardner. In far more cringeworthy fashion, Mike Smunk at Cinestatic's now right behind Ian (about 10 yards), ranting about me 'adding insult to injury' by calling the band ' a bad name' - oh, the shame, the SHAME,got me bang to rights!. Clearly another seething volcano of discontent, just cos I didn't fancy his noncey comments boxes six months ago. Anyway, I don't believe either of these cretins has sufficient proof that I didn't come up with the name 'Beyond the Implode' in 1977, aged 1, so if anything, the band most likely ripped it off me, and can therefore expect to hear from my lawyers in the next couple of weeks unless they withdraw their poxy 'myspace' profile. Lick wood!

Right, I'm 30. This officially means a) no more copy about goth girls - fancying them when you're in your 30s is PATHETIC - fancying girls in white furry Russian military hats is OK though b) I'm spending my dosh on a motorbike instead of CDs and music rubbish - why listen to someone making a noise when you can be speeding around country lanes and engulfing someone's convertible in exhaust fumes? Yes, I'm meeting middle age head on, no whinnying or trying to prolong the youth I've already squandered. To this end I am painting and decorating my flat - and will also be growing A MOUSTACHE!

ah... welcome back martin, you nutter!
it's been kinda quiet round here without you...

happy round number (30), BTW- !
although don't do the "wax moustache and twirl it round your fingers into ornate frills"- thing,
it's a bit freaky when a moustache curls itself 2 metres in each direction from the nose-
saw a man like that in Bombay once, dunno how he managed to get it bristling straight out like that...
(or should that be "Mumbai"...)
Heh - a 'tache.... gotta be done.

Don't be doin' an Ian Beale job though....

Have to be a Dutch sailor look, held aloft and greased with Flora
So Mr Smartarse how can I contact you directly as opposed to filling your blog with my comments as to how you can't even spell my name correctly?
Ian G xx
Yeah! like er what he said, so there!!!

Are you some pimple faced nerd who sits in his room reading FHM for hours on end because he is being bullied by the local kids, dreaming that his knackered BMX is really the Ninja in the poster on the wall? I cannot believe a bore like you has even left the state never mind travel to Russia. Having met many Russians and Americans I believe you or you're alter ego wouldn't last 2 seconds.
You are a disgrace to your country and a coward.
Sweet dreams Gimp
Why coward? I thought I was a cunt and I'm 43 which is only 13 years older than you claim to be. See me on myspace if you can find me but it's my guess that being from a cult band, being married to a top international fetish model and doing very well thanks very much is not going to be too easy to have a dig at and are you assuming the last 3 comments were all from me!?(I signed my 1 comment!)looks like you're less popular than you have lead yourself to believe....oh and punching girls how does that improve YOUR public persona?.
Me again xx
It's all gone quiet over there!
Ian babes, you're displaying bundles of insecurity here. First off, you obviously feel the need to inform this blog and its meagre readership that you're married to a 'top fetish model'. The message you wish to impart is clear 1) you are able to meet a woman, and therefore not 'sad' 2) your sex life is well kinky. Why you need to suddenly justify these points in what's little more than a online spat makes me wonder how well things really are at home. In any case, fair play to you, but I'm not a sweaty latex fan myself, give me a plain jane who's a right laugh anyday. Also, you were in a cult band, well sorry, so was I, only difference being we were so amazingly underfuckingground CULT that we never released any material whatsoever and split up as soon as some sucker for punishment offered us a gig, for which we will shortly be remembered as the greatest event in history since Christ turned a fish into a loaf. Stitch that, Mr Obscure!

Maybe it's just 13 extra years of human evolution, but I also find your references to the sterile, mummified concepts of 'popularity' and 'public persona' desperately depressing - I could understand Mike and the Mechanics giving a shit about such garbage, but not someone allegedly connected to the 'punk' scene. You're just confirming my (hopefully wrong) opinion that most post-punk musicians are preening prima donnas who sulk and rant if someone's not taking them seriously enough.

Personally, I'd rather you were imparting some wisdom to me, as an older man to one younger, like DIY tips or whether it's worth going to South America. Feargal Sharkey would be able to tell me stuff like that, surely.
I seem to remember challenging you to have a go at me privately but obviously you're too much of a show off which shows up your insecurity a shitload more than mine. It's odd you focus on the 'sex' aspect of this not the 'doing very nicely' bit is this because your career is this blog and you hope to be a writer or journalist but it hasn't happened yet?. I was informing you of my situation not your readers because you had stated that I had probably spent the last 27 years in my room whereas in actuality I've done all of the things you dream of doing but I did them properly as opposed to writing about doing them!. As for the cult band copies of your bands single sell for £260 each on ebay?, no I thought not but ours do(though you'll say I only mentioned this because I've got a small willy or something!)We're not prima donas(well not to your level!)and we don't care if anyone takes us seriously but we don't expect some asshole who has to do blogs because he can't afford a proper website to put us down just because were still popular 27 years after the fact so in 2033 when people are saying what a fine blog you wrote then you can have a go but until then stick to writing stories about 'pissing rabbits' it's much more your style. You write this blog because the concept of 'cool' and 'popular' or having 'street cred' is important to you this is why you have reacted like a spoilt child when challenged and it's you that's having the rant not me. At least the personal insults have thinned out so well done for that!.
As an older and more mature chap I can recommend South America, and advise you to just get a one way ticket I'm shit at DIY though so I can't help you there.
hey, welcome back, Martin

and happy belated 30th

dont grow a moustache, youre still a puppy fer gawdssakes!!!

and quit encouraging him, peeps

Ian, you are dating an international fetish model...and we are supposed to be impressed with your virility because you are dating someone where there is a 95 percent chance that they are a crack-head? and youre 43???

good luck with your STDs, stud-boy/grand-dad!
Oh well Martin if this guy's an example of your readership then I shouldn't have bothered complaining should I?.
It's obvious to me now that your readers are about as aware as a bag of rice so write what you want they will have all forgotten it by morning!.
Fuck me Robert your insight is beyond compare I bow down to your superior knowledge about fuck all. I'm not dating her I'm married to her and it's supermodels that have the drug problems not fetish models and while were at it not all models are 18! and I didn't say she was a porn actress I said she's a MODEL(she doesn't even get her tits out!)so unless you actually have a clue as to what the truth is you are in no position to stick your oar in. Worse still is that you started your comment by creeping round Martin a bit to establish and ingratiate yourself then made your fuckwit uninformed you write a blog too?, you should you're just as smart as Martin!.
See why I asked for this to be discussed in private yet?, the only people here are your 'friends' therefore any argument they raise is going to be biased but if you can't stick up for yourself I understand.

you trying' to take a mickey outta me, mate?

You know what pisses me off? 8 months ago, I invited anyone - neo-nazis, freaks, perverts, serious bloggers - to send me death threats and verbal abuse on email. Every other blogger gets it - but all I get is THIS. A truly poor effort. Still, the comments about doing a blog as a career move and for street cred had me rolling round the floor.
Ian G- where is the "proper website" for your band? I could only find some myspace nonsense when I looked.
OK Martin here's a copy of the email I sent to you at 2 days ago in response to your new 'Ian Gardner's a cunt' blog check your inbox it could be there! or are you just pretending it didn't arrive because you need your mates to back you up?.

"It wasn't me that took offence to your comments but it was me that was asked to do something about them and as we have physical evidence that we are the intellectual property rights owners of the name Beyond the Implode then your threats are pretty hollow and please bear in mind that one of us is a copper now so we do have the law on our side literally. We have already shut down a U.S. rap label that used the same label name we did and we have successfully stopped an American blog from allowing a Russian to have our songs available for download. Basically you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds(or hit women!!), if you can't think up a good name yourself don't rip someone else's off and then call them names in public whilst still using their name coz that's just plain dumb!.

PS: If your best response to this is to write another pathetic snide comment on your blog then we shall consider this battle already won, if you're so smart respond directly to me, I love a good argument but not in public that's just showing off!.

PPS:If you consider the band to be 'shit' why did you use their name?, 'The Nolan Sisters' was available wouldn't that have been more suitable?."

Bizarrely enough you did exactly as I predicted you would in this email so this has quickly turned to childishness when all I requested was a reason for you having a go at the band when all we did wrong was to think of a name before you did, you probably haven't even heard our music so none of you are in any position to judge us and the fact that the best you can do is try and insult me by having a go at my wifes job just shows what kind of idiots I'm dealing with so I give up as all I seem to be acomplishing is more hits to your blog than usual. If you're incapable of explaining your position without trying to be clever I don't care anymore.

PS: Robert, yes I am 'mate'

PPS: John Eden, ha ha made you look!
Ok then Martin thanks for making me famous(though I'm sure the Messthetics CD came out before 2004) and how many 7"'s have you released in the last 30 years?
As usual you have avoided the question so unless you can answer it why are you going on?
All I want to know is why do you feel the need to slag us of when you don't know us you don't know our music and you copied our name? is that simple enough for you?

As for what and who we are now, well you don't hear the term 'middle-aged rebel' much because no matter how much you rebel as a teenager in order to have a decent life you must at some point grow up and do those grown up things like have a career and buy a house. Do you honestly think that The Sex Pistols did it for anything other than the money?. John Lydon makes wildlife documentaries now so should we all stop liking his music and respecting everything he achieved because he's not rebellious enough any more?
Because I slag everybody off, as a brief flick through the archives will reveal. If it's any consolation, I've also slagged off - Tom Robinson Band, Susan Fassbender, Sutcliffe Jugend, Whitehouse, Cyprus,Crass, Karen Carpenter, Allah,Jimmy Pursey, The Cramps, Keane, Metalheadz, Hermann Nitsch - oh and hundreds more. And no, I haven't released any singles - how many shipping mags have you put out? For the love of Gene Pitney, I JUST DON'T CARE, MAN! Look, it's obvious that either 1) you've known all about this blog for ages, and have now only started getting heavy cos I used the phrase 'the cunts are meant to be dead' - in which case, I think you need to see it in the grand scheme of the ultimate joke we call life 2) you've only just discovered it and are blissfully unaware that the whole thing's a reinterpretation of the Koran - albeit a version where Batman escapes at the end.

Oh, and as to why I nicked your blog name, it was lying around. Plus it sounded better than calling a blog THE BLEACH BOYS or DOOR AND THE WINDOW
Shipping mags?
Is this all that you twats have got to talk about? We've just been knocked out of the World Cup, you useless, ignorant mongs! You should be organising a "Get Ronaldo" campaign for me while I sort my head out, with lashings of fresh Charlie and an endless stream of prozzies, in my Manchester mansion.

Oh Martin (Jol?), I do enjoy your comedy blog. Growing a moustache and voting Lib Dem, you rampant bender, you! I nearly pissed me boxies with that "Youth of '79 went for the pure punk rock power of the Cockney Rejects" remark. The youth of Liverpool went for them alright. With Stanley knives and iron bars! My old dad still tells the tale about the time he and his scally mates (the much feared Croxteth Casuals) went to "exchange greetings" with Stinky and his chums when the Rejects came to Liverpool. The daft southern jessies arse's went pop and they ended up cancelling the gig, locking themselves in their dressing room instead, sphincters a-quivering! Shit houses!

Talking of shit, can you tell me why your beloved Spurs let the Gooners make such buffoons out of them by finishing fourth at the end of last season?

"Shipping mags" - is this some sort of Soho gay-speak? Do tell.

Love and crushings, Wayne.

PS - Only a Spurs fan could write a post about a wasp on a tube train. Next time, catch the fucker with your smeg-encrusted tongue, you spineless shite!
ere, no-one spoke to me about nothin'! I dunno where the story about hitting girls comes from. Besides, in the case of Martin vs. Infinite Thought, I did start it so it was a fair cop!

Glad you're back Martin + with Soviet kitch and bad behaviour to boot, Chtob vse byli zdorovy.
I think its pretty obvious that everyone posting in this thread is Martin, trying to generate some sort of publicity for what's become a dying cause
"please bear in mind that one of us is a copper now so we do have the law on our side literally."

I find this comment very troubling. Are you saying that, because one of you is a copper, that Martin has something to fear? Has this copper done any special favours for the band already? I’m sure his superiors would be interested in that - and as all of the names of the original members of the band are a matter of public record, it shouldn’t be too hard to find out who we are talking about.

Given the wholesale corruption which is rife in the police force these days, I guess none of this should be too surprising. What is weird is that neither of the problems you have with Martin would be a matter for the police anyway.

As far as I can tell these are:

1) That he has "stolen" your band’s name.
2) That he has called you nasty beastly names which made you very upset as you are sensitive artist types.

On the first count, this blog isn’t even called "beyond the implode" any more. Neither the heading or the url is that name.

Furthermore your band seems to have been completely defunct for over two decades, or at least was until the creation of your website.

Additionally, you may be surprised to hear that this is in fact a blog and not a band, so I don’t think you can argue that anyone will get the two confused.

On the second count it is quite clear from reading the archives of this blog that it is humorous and that swear words are tossed around willy nilly, often in a funny or affectionate manner.

Furthermore, in my opinion you have made yourself look like a bit of a c**t in these comments boxes anyway, what with bringing your wife into it and failing to have anything resembling a sense of humour.

I am glad that the two seven inches you released in your youth are still so important to you and a tiny subculture of rich record collectors. I hate to say it, but they mean less than zilch to anyone else.

Your friend,
Harry Roberts
Nobody cares about threats over the internet.
Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics;
even if you win, you're still retarded.
Yo Harry Roberts! I gotta be honest, I'm pretty troubled that you're only troubled by ONE comment on this blog. I thought
Martin's "shipping mags" slip was VERY disturbing.
Jeez, over here, we call this blog The Blog With No Girlfriend! It's uber-popular with the fags in my cell block.
The reason I got in touch was because, wait for it, Beyond The Implode used to send me tapes of their stuff. I was forever telling them to work on the production but would they listen? Would they fuck.
Anyway, at one point they had a freakin' redneck playing the guitar called Zip Nolan. He's ya man!
Martin! See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!
Leave me outta this Manson, you've just got it in for me coz I'm the guy that sent your ass down.
Which prison are you in now?, I've got that watch repair bill for you!
We never said a word so why are you picking on us?
To the idiot above - please be aware that we recorded a song entitled "Mongoloid" in the late seventies and we object to you stealing our words. You will be hearing from our lawyers.

I would also like everyone to know that one of us now works as a priest, so we certainly have God on our side. I am personally married to an air hostess and live in a big fuck-off house.

No really, I do! Eh? Well the same to you, with knobs on!!! How many of YOUR albums have been produced by Brian Eno, eh?
I coined the phrase 'beyond the implode' in a sci-fi story, "Nebula of Fear", in 1961, so all of you can go and piss in the wind
Anyone fancy a smoke? I've got some cracking giggleweed here.
Don't make me angry, Zoony. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
We weren't gonna say anything, but now everyone's piling in - where do you get off on writing fake animal liberation lyrics? For the record - 1) we have never drilled holes in a fishing boat - this is pure libel 2) no member of the ALF has ever attacked a member of the public with a 'baseball bat' for co-habiting with a dog or cat, we dislike the term 'owner' and refuse to sully canines / felines with the derogatory term 'pet' (which is just as bad as 'n****r'), but many of us share our homes with animals, a number of which we have personally liberated from those Belsens the pharmaceutical gangsters call 'research labs' 3) we are NOT Hunt Saboteurs, that is a separate organisation and although we share aims, we're not mutually bound. HOWEVER we know for a fact that Hunt Sabs do not drink alcohol during their activities. All this makes me wonder, who are yoiu writing this for? Who benefits? The ALF gets libelled and misrepresented - who's pulling your strings to smear the animal rights movement?

Watching you,
Ere man, no I mean innit. sum1 told me that this blog gives out instruction on how to unlock a Nokia kv34 but I can't find it nowhere innit. I'll have some of that giggleweed but I've got to go and cash my giro first. Big up to the Hartlepool posse!
laters man innit
It's no wonder sales of my wonderfully remastered CD reissues is down this week if the majority of ambient fans are on here being bitches. We all know that Byndthmpld is just a piss poor excuse for creative genius with all the social skills of a pissed up geordie at a wake who thinks the corpse owes him a tenner but there is no excuse for this kind of blatant disregard for the rules of ambient creation. If your intention was to create the worlds first "ambient blog" as you suggested in that long and wordy letter you sent me then I think you are doing quite well(ie.It just drones on in the background and nobody really listens to it properly). But all this excitement is the equivalent of a Death Metal blog similar to the one I installed in Paris for the French car group Renault(they paid me lots of money the fools). What you need to do now Martin is try and get some decent musicians to join in a we might get a half decent tune but if your roots are truly in ambient as you claim in all the emails I've had from you then you need to cut down on the wordiness of all this. Oh and Devo, get back to your room your suppers ready.
I've forgotten what I was going to say now...
Martin, when you've finished being silly with your friends come back to bed. I want to play Nigerian sea captains again!

Boy, did I pick the wrong comments section to fly into! I'm fucking off to the next one. There'll be no one there.....
I know you be-lo-o-o-o-ong to so-o-o-o-ome body New-ew-ew-ew-ew but tonight you be-lo-ong to me.
I know(I know) when the mor-or-or-nin' comes that you-oo-oo-oo-oo will be go-o-o-o-on but tonight you bel-o-ong to me.
GOD: I took my girlfriend to the caribbean recently.

Jesus: Did you make her?

GOD: Of course I did I'm god

Thank you thank you, I'm available for hen parties and I can be contacted through these comments boxes.
You're not the real Alan Parker Urban Warrior! I AM
NO you lying bastard I'm the real Alan Parker not you
How dare you!, you scoundrel I won't put up with this
When you've quite finished pissing about on there can I unplug you for 2 minutes so I can phone aunty Peggy about bingo?
B'dum, B'dum !
Great Work!!!
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