BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

Fellow hitch-hikers on the autobahn of life - let's get the important screeve out of the way first - am I the only person who thinks it might, just might, be considered a portent of catastrophe 'n' doom to have a whale kick the bucket in your capital city? Imagine, for a second, that our most venerated city columnists actually did something useful and documented London life ((instead of trying to score sex through schadenfreude)), and bequeathed a wond'rous stack of archives to future generations. '21/01/06. A WHALE EXPIRED ON THE APPROACH TO SHADWELL. AND IN EAST LONDON, A COAT WAS ARRESTED.' See, it's not difficult. Ain't exactly Thomas Pynchon, you dig?

"Oh BTi", the Kraftwerk fans implore, "what is more hip, owning Computer World or the German-language Computerwelt?" "Ja, mein krankenhaus ist kaputt!" I spit back. Clearly, owning Lee Perry's Disco Devil is much wiser than giving a toss either way, but try telling them that....

Anyway, it's come to my attention that some bloggers have been LIBELLING me, besmirching my good name, calling me "completely fucking nuts" or accusing me of pretending to be a "violent punk". What utter bilge. Mine is the ultimate sanity, and my commitment to the proliferation of good manners - even if forced at gunpoint - is notorious. Just to prove that it's the rest of the world that needs a spell in detox (I've kicked fags again, btw), here's one of the most ludicrous email press releases I've ever witnessed - I swear this isn't made up

Okay we're obsessed with MP3s. It seems that everyone has one hanging around their neck or training for the marathon with them glued to their ears. We know that they could make us deaf but we still love 'em.

Yes, we do seem to bleat on about security, but hey that's the business we're in! So we've put together a lovely article on the risks of MP3s - to wake up all those naïve managers who innocently believe that their staff are just using them to download and listen to music.

We're here to tell them that there's a dark and murky side to MP3s, for example they can store the entire contents of their office on them! And what happens when the MD who has saved the draft annual report or confidential details of all his customers accidentally forgets his prized MP3 on the tube on the way home?

Cripes - it could just get picked up by a competitor, opportunist or heavens above a journalist who has being dying for an opportunity to expose a company like this - at last!!!

Somebody actually sent out an email with the term 'Cripes', warning bosses that the entire contents of their offices could be circulating around a coven of iPods. This is incredible, in fact, if you're one of the many BTi readers without a steady job, and are only just waking up now, crack open a can of lager and sit back and congratulate yourself - this is what you're 'missing out on' by not seeking gainful employment in the Big City.

RIP Electric Dreams, it seems - ironic in a way, given the death of the whale, famed source of income for the harpoon-wielding hard drinkers of Sandefjord.