BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

...which is a highfalutin way of saying two teenage prats used to drive around all night listening to Joy Division and talking shit.

Anyway, cheer up, willya? Look - the LINKS are back! Rejoice...now, I don't want any 'links paranoia' bizness going down. I know some people actually rate their links in order of personal preference, but not this cat - I like you all the same. I could avoid confusion by doing it alphabetically, but that would be doomed to failure - Idiot's Guide to Dreaming, for instance, would complain that he was filed under "i" instead of "a" (as AN Idiot's Guide to Dreaming). And Woebot would forever prop up the stack. And to be honest, you all make me vomit with your pedantic bitching, so love it or shove it.

Anyway, cheer up, willya? Look - that massive black cloud of dripping benzene drifting over Britain - that'll sort out those feathered, Bird Flu-carrying pests!! OK, it might be inconvenient if you're asthmatic, and if you're expecting, your sprog might be born with 3 eyes. But we'll frazzle those sparrows! Did you know that being born with six fingers on one hand is a sign of good luck in the Philippines? I was chatting to a prostitute with an extra finger sprouting from her thumb (don't look at me like that ; I'll talk to anyone, even Owen Hatherley). I think her luck was out though. After realising I didn't want to sneak her back to the hotel through a load of bomb and weapon checks for a spot of "boom-boom", she told me that she was waiting for a romantic, caring, loaded Westerner to turn up at the bar and whisk her and her young son away to a life of plush sofas and Chris de Burgh slow dances. You know when you sort of nod, while thinking "Don't hold your breath, love". A disgusting, near-dead property contractor oozing gallons of Viagra-induced sweat through his pink Ralph Lauren shirt, more like. Guns never find their way into the six-fingered hands of the right people.