Sunday, July 18, 2004


Ever wondered why Cab Voltaire's Nag NAg Nag is still revered as a 24 carat crypt-shaker? Cos of its galloping, Poundstretcher drum machine, its Crass-go-dalek distortion? Cos it lent its name to that trendy Electroclash club in London? No, it's cos it's the only record in the history of humanity to sample Patrick Moore from The Sky At Night!!

It's unlikely that half of these TV presenters know which industrial records they've unwittingly ended up on. 'Police 5' anchorman Shaw Taylor and baby-faced newsreader Martyn Lewis both made it onto Throbbing Gristle's live sets (Winchester and Sheffield Uni gigs respectively, if you really give a flying) - but let's face it, if you were on TV or radio at all between 1976 and 1981, it's odds on you'd be sampled during a TG performance at some point. Trevor MacDonald went much further, managing to blag an enviable guestspot on Whitehouse's Right to Kill LP. And I'm pretty sure that really IS Jeremy Paxman on track 3 of SPK's Information Overload Unit (talking about a rabbit shitting itself when subjected to deadly nerve gas) - but I'm not 100% certain. I'd like to think that the woman groaning, "Give me all your come!" on said track is a younger Nigella Lawson, being splattered by Ainsley Harriott's coriander puree', but that's just wishful thinking.

Hey, next time you're down Deptford punk rock chippie Fishcoteque, and you want to signify your sexual preferences, do it with crisps. Using the unique colour-coded system of crisp packets, you can communicate your hidden desires to a whole audience of in-the-know miscreants. Learn your crisp flavour code and keep an eye on what people are munching before making your perfect move! ( I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE OUTCOME OF SUCH ADVANCES). The Code goes as follows
READY SALTED - vanilla
SALT AND VINEGAR - whips and gasmasks
CHEESE AND ONION - 69ing while casually smoking
WORCESTER SAUCE - tit wankery
PRAWN COCKTAIL - adult baby
SMOKY BACON - sploshing
SPRING ONION - ponyboy / girl...ism, I suppose

By the way, did you know, that if you're over 17 and buy a Milky Bar,you're 4 times more likely to be trailed home by Special Branch's Anti-Nonce squad? Something else Shaw Taylor never mentioned. Peace, I'm outta here.////



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